In cinemas now

[Senneifinn]

Another Hollywood blockbuster from my friend Dusty and myself.

WARNING: stay out of this thread if you take offence when real-life celebrities are lampooned.

"Don't waste your time seeing the original!"
ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

"Makes history come alive!"
VARIETY

"You'll wish you were an ancient Greek!"
THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

"We strongly urge the British Museum to return our Parthenon Marbles."
KOSTAS KARAMANLIS, PRIME MINISTER OF GREECE

[Senneifinn]

EXT. MOUNT OLYMPUS – DAY

The Greek gods and goddesses are having yet another one of their countless feasts (as you do when you live in bliss and have too much free time). Myriad delicacies in golden vessels weigh down a grand banqueting table, around which the deities quaff ambrosia from jewel-encrusted kantharoi. The laurel-crowned and toga-wearing King of the Gods sits on a marble throne as he ogles the nine Muses who are providing the entertainment for his banquet. Viewers who believe in the scientific accuracy of films like Anaconda and its sequels will take no issue with a Greek god wearing Roman clothes of course.


ANGLE ON: The sable-clad King of the Underworld arriving at the party.


ZEUS
Late again, Hades!

HADES
Give me a break. I have to come further than any of you lot, and when I finally get here, I have to park my chariot miles away.

ZEUS
Sorry about that, but as you know, my parties are always very popular so parking is first-come-first-served.

HADES
To tell you the truth, I hadn't planned on coming today. There's a vile pestilence ravaging the countryside so the Underworld has been quite busy with a backlog of souls to process.

ZEUS
Well, you know what they say about all work and no play. I'm surprised at you! If I were a carefree bachelor like yourself I'd be out there seducing nymphs and ravishing mortals.

HADES
You haven't let marriage stop you seducing nymphs and ravishing mortals, though.

ZEUS
(wags finger) Ah, the trick is to not get caught by the missus.

ANGLE ON: The grand entrance of Hera dripping with jewels and wearing peacock feathers in her hairdo. Her golden armbands are shaped like serpents devouring their tails.



HERA
My ears are burning.

ZEUS
(hastily) I was just telling Hades about your fabulous new hairstyle, dear.

HADES
(diplomatically) Aphrodite herself couldn't have come up with such a creation.

HERA
Well, I try my best. (simpering) And how are you, Hades? Keeping busy down there?

HADES
Same old, but thanks for asking.

HERA
(looking around) Did you bring a date?

HADES
The death of mortals is a demanding business that leaves me little time for dating.

HERA
What a shame! You really must meet a nice goddess and settle down like Zeus here.

ZEUS
(nodding vigorously) Oh yes, quite, quite.

HERA
Well, you must excuse me, I want to go and talk to Aphrodite. I hear she's created a new kind of beauty cream that enhances the desire of lovers.

HADES
(gallantly) Surely you don't need any such thing.

HERA
(simpering) You're too kind. (flounces off)

ZEUS
Come and mingle. But first, a drink!

HADES
Got any pomegranate wine?

ANGLE ON: Some minor deities hovering around a platter of savouries at the other end of the banqueting table.

PERSEPHONE
Who's that tall, dark and handsome stranger?

THANATOS
Oh, that's Hades, King of the Underworld.

PERSEPHONE
He doesn't look familiar.

THANATOS
He doesn't come to parties very often. He has a long way to commute.

PERSEPHONE
(dreamy) He looks very serious and intense. I think he'd be very interesting to talk to.

THANATOS
He's a dreadful workaholic but I guess he can't get out a lot, what with mortals dying all the time. The courts of the Underworld get terribly clogged up if he doesn't keep on top of the judgements.

PERSEPHONE
Do you know him then?

THANATOS
Of course, he's my boss. I mainly collect souls for his realm but sometimes I walk his dog too.

PERSEPHONE
(hopefully) Is he single?

THANATOS
Far as I know.

PERSEPHONE
(gleam in her eye) In that case, excuse me.

[Senneifinn]

Persephone hastily checks her reflection in a nearby crystal pool and rearranges the folds of her peplos in a more seductive way, then adjusts the flowers in her hair. When all is to her satisfaction, she glides gracefully over to the banqueting table where she contrives to stand in the perfect position to have her elbow bumped by Hades.

PERSEPHONE
(spills ambrosia down her front on purpose) Eeek!

HADES
Oops, how clumsy of me. So sorry.

Persephone opens her eyes innocently wide and presents her wet bosom for consideration.

PERSEPHONE
I don't suppose you have a hanky on you by any chance? I must mop up this mess before the stain sets.

HADES
Er, let me see. (checks his pockets) Ah, here you go.

PERSEPHONE
(simpering) How kind.

While mopping the ambrosia off her dress, she keeps a firm hold of his arm so that he can't get away.

PERSEPHONE
(sweetly) Thanks ever so much.

She contrives to feel him up as she tucks the hanky back in his pocket.

HADES
Er, shall I get you another drink?

PERSEPHONE
(flutters eyelashes) How gentlemanly of you.

He expects her to release his arm so that he can go and fetch her some more ambrosia but she hangs on like grim death while maintaining the most angelic expression.

PERSEPHONE
(sweetly) I do believe we haven't been introduced.

HADES
Um, well, I'm Hades, King of the Underworld.

PERSEPHONE
Oh, charmed! (flutters eyelashes) I'm the Nature goddess Persephone, daughter of Demeter the bringer of seasons and giver of fruits.

HADES
I do beg your pardon, I don't really keep up with who's who in Society.

PERSEPHONE
Ah, then you should network more. I don't recall seeing you at these parties very often.

HADES
Thing is, I don't have a lot of spare time.

PERSEPHONE
Oh nonsense! (titters) Zeus has the entire pantheon to oversee but he still has time to throw all these lovely parties.

HADES
I suppose that's because he has a capable wife to help with the organising.

PERSEPHONE
(gleam in her eye) Have you ever considered the benefits of getting a capable wife?

HADES
(nervously) Er, can't say I have. (hastily) As I mentioned before, I'm a very busy god. There's just no room for romance on my agenda.

PERSEPHONE
Well, you won't meet any nice goddesses if you hide away in the Underworld all the time.

HADES
Um... (discreetly looking around for escape)

PERSEPHONE
You should come with me to a few parties and maybe I'll introduce you to some nice single ladies.

HADES
Er, that's a very generous offer, but...

PERSEPHONE
In fact, Mummy's having a party next week. I insist that you come.

HADES
Um... (desperately looking around for escape)

PERSEPHONE
Lovely! That's settled then.

HADES
(confused) What?

PERSEPHONE
I'll just run along and tell Mummy. She'll be ever so pleased that an important god is coming to her party. Usually it's just nymphs and satyrs who turn up.

HADES
Er...

Before he can stop her, she skips off to find her mother.

ANGLE ON: A tipsy Zeus lurching past with an empty kantharos in his hand.

ZEUS
Have you seen Ganymede? I need a refill. (throws his arm around Hades' neck) Hey, you look like you could use a drink too.

HADES
I think I've just been blindsided.

ZEUS
(hiccup) Eh?

HADES
Somehow I got myself invited to a party I don't really want to go to.

ZEUS
Who's having a party?

HADES
Demeter.

ZEUS
Good stuff! There's always plenty to eat at her harvest festivals. Lots of new wine too. Oh yeah! (waggles eyebrows) Gets me in the mood for a roll in the hay, heh heh!

HADES
See, that's the problem. A celebration of life isn't appropriate for a lord of death like myself to attend.

ZEUS
Bollocks! (hiccup) If it wasn't appropriate, Demeter wouldn't have invited you.

HADES
She didn't invite me. It was her daughter.

ZEUS
(waggles eyebrows) Somebody likes you! (thumps Hades on the back) Now let me give you some advice.

HADES
Good, because I can't think of a polite way to say no.

ZEUS
(bellowing) What do you mean, no? (smacks Hades upside the head)

HADES
(indignantly) What in Erebus was that for?

ZEUS
No god in his right mind turns down the opportunity to get in a hot chick's peplos!

HADES
Look, I don't have time for a relationship right now.

ZEUS
Who said anything about a relationship? (waggles eyebrows) Just take the honey and leave the hive.

HADES
Are you kidding? Her mother would beat the Styx out of me. I don't need that kind of aggro.

ZEUS
Oh yeah, Demeter's quite the spitfire. (waggles eyebrows) I had a fling with her once. Oh thunderbolts, she was a handful! These Nature divinities are always fantastic in bed. Fertility and abundance and all that, you see. Heh heh! (jabs Hades in the ribs) If the daughter's anything like her mother...whoo whee!

HADES
It all sounds like too much hard work.

ZEUS
Yeah, you get hard and she does the work! (drunken laugh followed by hiccup)

HADES
(annoyed) Seriously, are you going to help me or not?

ZEUS
All right, all right. (sways a little) I'll go to the party with you.

HADES
That's not much help.

ZEUS
You got no idea about social etiquette, do you? If you want to decline a lady's attentions, you should do it in a discreet and considerate manner. (proudly) The missus taught me that. Saves a lot of bad feeling all round.

HADES
And how will going to the party rid me of the lady's attentions?

ZEUS
That's easy. When you're there, get drunk and hit on every female in sight. She'll be so disillusioned with you, she'll never speak to you again.

HADES
In that case I don't need you to tag along.

ZEUS
Oh but I will anyway. Like I said, Demeter's harvest festivals are always big fun.

[Senneifinn]

EXT. ELEUSINIAN SACRED GROVE – DAY

Unseen by mortal eyes, Demeter's harvest festival is underway. A magical psykter overflows with new wine on her altar strewn with golden ears of corn and wheat. Nymphs ply the guests with bread and olive oil while Persephone dances to the pan-pipe music of satyrs.

ANGLE ON: Zeus and Hades arriving in all their divine glory.

DEMETER
What on Olympus is that fellow doing here?

PERSEPHONE
(sweetly) You mean Zeus?

DEMETER
No, Hades! How dare he gatecrash my party? He'll ruin the whole atmosphere!

PERSEPHONE
I thought he was on the guest list.

DEMETER
Don't be daft. Why would I invite the ruler of the dead to a festival of life?

PERSEPHONE
(opens eyes innocently wide) Oh Mummy, I think I've made a slip-up.

DEMETER
What?

PERSEPHONE
I must've misread your guest list and invited Hades instead of Hermes.

DEMETER
(annoyed) That was very careless of you! I'm really disappointed with your bungling!

PERSEPHONE
Sometimes it's hard to read your writing, Mummy.

DEMETER
(sternly) A poor excuse! If you weren't sure, you should've checked with me first. Do you know how much effort I've put into organising this event?

PERSEPHONE
(pretends to be chastened) Sorry Mummy.

DEMETER
(irritably) Well I can't just shoo him away. That would be rude, especially in front of Zeus.

PERSEPHONE
Why don't I distract him and keep him away from the other guests, Mummy? That way, he won't spoil the party with his doom and gloom.

DEMETER
(impatiently) Yes, yes, you do that. (goes off muttering to herself) One just can't rely on youngsters to do anything right these days...

Persephone dances up to Zeus and Hades, who both stare at her flimsy outfit that seems to consist only of strategically-placed chains of flowers.

PERSEPHONE
Welcome to Eleusis, my lords. (crowns Zeus with a laurel wreath)

ZEUS
Heh heh! Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Persephone latches firmly onto Hades' arm, much to his dismay because he was just about to start getting drunk and hitting on other females as Zeus advised.

PERSEPHONE
(flutters eyelashes) I found this specially for you. (tucks a sprig of deadly nightshade in his buttonhole)

HADES
Er, thanks.

PERSEPHONE
Do come and mingle.

As she drags him off, Hades turns to his buddy for help but Zeus has been distracted by a busty nymph and is already chasing her in the opposite direction.

PERSEPHONE
Would you like some wine?

Without waiting for his reply, she shoves a brimming kylix into his hand. Intending to steady his nerves and fortify his courage, he takes a gulp.

HADES
Oh my Zeus! (fit of coughing)

PERSEPHONE
(sweetly) Rather fiery, isn't it? So kind of Dionysus to bring us an amphora from his very own cellar.

As he tries to recover his equilibrium Hades fails to notice that she's steering him away from the crowd.

PERSEPHONE
(innocently) Are you all right? You look a bit pale.

HADES
(cough) I think I've burned a hole in my throat.

PERSEPHONE
Oh dear! What you need is some nice cooling herbs.

She plucks some flowers from her dress and crushes them into her own drink of nectar.

PERSEPHONE
Here you go, drink up.

She practically pours the stuff down his gullet and it isn't long before the combination of Dionysus' potent vintage and Persephone's psychotropic medicine takes effect.

HADES
I don't feel too well. (sways unsteadily) Maybe I should go home.

PERSEPHONE
You'll feel better if you sit down for a bit. (sweetly) Let's go someplace nice and quiet.

[trugannini]

   Finn, I can't hardly wait for the next episode......she will be alone with Hades (and we all know who he really is   )

[Senneifinn]

EXT. VILLAGE – DAY

Some distance away from the sacred grove, we see a hovel on a tiny plot of land at the edge of the forest. A peasant is hard at work hoeing a vegetable garden while some hens scratch around in the yard.

ANGLE ON: Zeus emerging from the woods where he has been playing hide-and-seek with some saucy nymphs. The peasant doesn't see him but he sees her.

ZEUS
(waggles eyebrows) Oho, what have we here?

ANGLE ON: Zeus metamorphosing into a heroic mortal in a tight leather kilt. (Think Odysseus in the movie Troy.) In this heart-stopping guise he strides manfully toward the hovel.

ZEUS
(sexy drawl) Hi there! Is this the way to Athens?

The peasant turns around in great surprise at the sudden appearance of this blond hunk out of nowhere.

CHLOE
Are you lost?

ZEUS
No, I'm a mighty warrior.

CHLOE
(bemused) Well, if you want to get to Athens, you need to take the south road.

ZEUS
My name is Aristaeus. Whom do I have the pleasure of addressing?

CHLOE
I'm Chloe.

ZEUS
How'd you like to fetch me some wine and rub my feet, Chloe? I've travelled all the way from Sparta and I deserve a rest.

CHLOE
(snort) Go to the inn at Eleusis if you want service. I have a crop to put in.

Zeus is disconcerted because he usually has no problem overwhelming mortals with his heroic proportions but this peasant seems more interested in hoeing her vegetable garden than surrendering to his awesome manhood.

ZEUS
You'll have to show me where the inn is. I'm a stranger to these parts.

CHLOE
What do I look like, a tourist guide? (pointing) The town is that way.

Zeus momentarily retreats because his usual seduction tactics don't seem to be working.

ZEUS
Well, thanks for the directions, Chloe. See you later.

CHLOE
Whatever.

As an orphan who has worked hard all her life, she has no time to dally with conceited warriors no matter how gorgeous they are.

ANGLE ON: Zeus leaving Chloe's farm and returning to the sacred grove where he hopes to formulate a new pickup method.

ZEUS
No mortal's getting the better of me!

He resumes his normal shape and huffily adjusts his laurel wreath on his head. This shot segues neatly into...

EXT. FOREST – DAY

...Persephone wiping Hades' brow with her perfumed handkerchief as he lies incapacitated in her secluded bower.

PERSEPHONE
(sweetly) You know, I've heard that when somebody feels faint you ought to loosen their clothing so they can breathe more easily.

She gleefully carries out her threat in spite of his feeble resistance.

HADES
(weakly) Don't you think this is very inappropriate? We barely know each other.

PERSEPHONE
Oh but that'll change very soon.

HADES
Please give my clothes back before I catch a chill.

PERSEPHONE
Don't you worry, I shan't let that happen.

ANGLE ON: Hades' confused expression as Persephone slowly stands up. Cut to a shot of her feet, when her dress falls around her ankles.

HADES
(stunned) Oh my Zeus!

EXT. VILLAGE – DAY

Zeus in his mortal guise heads back to Chloe's hovel for a second shot at impressing her. It's not often that Hera lets him go to parties without her and he wants to make the most of this opportunity for illicit trysting.

ZEUS
(sexy drawl) Hi there.

CHLOE
You again! What do you want?

ZEUS
I wonder if I might trouble you for a drink of water? It's a long way to town and I'm parched.

CHLOE
There's a well behind the house. Be my guest.

ZEUS
Where I come from, I don't have to draw my own water.

CHLOE
Where I come from, you'll have nothing to drink if you don't.

ZEUS
Are all mortals...I mean, peasants, as unhospitable as you?

CHLOE
Listen pal, I have to finish planting this garden and then I have to rethatch my roof. I got no time to wait on strangers with no manners.

ZEUS
Oh, you're busy? Why didn't you say so earlier?

He flexes his heroic muscles and takes the hoe from her.

CHLOE
What on Olympus are you doing?

ZEUS
Giving you a hand, of course.

ANGLE ON: Zeus hoeing the vegetable garden. Cue gratuitous footage of his glistening muscles as he manfully swings his implement and finishes the chore in record time. He leans on the hoe and wipes his heroic brow.

ZEUS
How about that drink of water now?

CHLOE
(tries to look unimpressed) I guess you've earned one.

Zeus follows, checking out her behind as she goes to the well to draw some water. When she pulls up the bucket, he steps forward and takes it, then deliberately empties it over his head. Cue gratuitous footage of water running down his heroic frame.

ZEUS
Ahhh!

EXT. FOREST – DAY

Persephone throws back her head in pleasure, scattering petals from her coronet of flowers.

PERSEPHONE
Ahhh!

ANGLE ON: Persephone from behind, straddling Hades and pinning down his arms while squeezing him between her knees.

HADES
(weakly) Help! Help!

PERSEPHONE
Stop bucking, my fine hell-steed, or I'll have to put a bridle on you.

HADES
(feebly) This is no way to treat the King of the Underworld.

PERSEPHONE
I suppose you're right. (sweetly) Let's try something else.

The theatrical release depicts her pashing him vigorously. The extended DVD provides additional footage of her kissing him in various sensitive places. His groans of protest melt into a different kind of moaning as she rides him to Elysion and back. Suddenly the ground rumbles with an earth tremor and the whole bower shakes.

ANGLE ON: Persephone straightening up with a look of amazement on her face.

PERSEPHONE
(giggling) Did you just do that?

[Senneifinn]

EXT. VILLAGE – DAY

When the unexpected earth tremor strikes, Chloe loses her footing and topples against the hunky blond Spartan warrior who calls himself Aristaeus, thereby allowing him to cop a feel. He is taken aback when she gives him a slap.

ZEUS
What on Olympus was that for?

CHLOE
I don't know what kind of girls you got in Sparta but here we aren't that easy.

ZEUS
Bloody Tartarus, are all mortals...I mean, peasants, as uptight as you?

CHLOE
I'm not uptight, I'm just not in the habit of being overawed by musclebound types.

ZEUS
You mean there's something more important than my heart-stopping physique?

CHLOE
Well duh.

ZEUS
For Gaia's sake, how does one impress you?

CHLOE
A real hero wouldn't need to ask.

She climbs up on her roof and starts repairing the thatch, leaving Zeus rather bemused and highly intrigued by this mortal who seems impervious to his charms. He stands and watches her for a while, then remembers he should get back to Demeter's party before his prolonged absence gives rise to gossip that might get back to the ever-jealous Hera.

ZEUS
Well, I must be off to...er, perform heroic acts, but I'll come back and see you sometime if I may.

CHLOE
Whatever.

In spite of herself, Chloe can't help looking around to check him out as he walks away along the dusty road. After all, it's not everyday that a hunky blond Spartan warrior tries to pick her up in this neck of the woods. Maybe if she gets to know him better, he might not seem like such a jerk...


EXT. ELEUSINIAN SACRED GROVE

Back at Demeter's harvest festival, Zeus finds a dishevelled Hades sitting under a shady tree.

HADES
There you are! Can we go now?

ZEUS
Already?

HADES
Persephone's gone to fetch me some spring water. I want to get away before she comes back.

ZEUS
Oho, quick getaways usually mean only one thing! (waggles eyebrows) Now I know where that earth tremor came from. Oh thunderbolts, she must've really lit your brimstone.

HADES
(mortified) Keep your voice down!

ZEUS
(still talking loudly) So tell me, what was it like?

HADES
Disorienting, terrifying and exhausting. I've never been so molested in my life.

ZEUS
That good, huh? (waggles eyebrows)

HADES
It's not good! Now she thinks we're in a relationship!

ZEUS
(nodding sagely) Ah yes, that's not an uncommon consequence.

HADES
I came here to shake her off and now look what's happened.

ZEUS
(breezily) Hey no problem, you can still get drunk and hit on other females. Then Persephone will get mad and break up with you and you're home free.

HADES
I don't want to hit on other females, I'm in enough trouble already. And what do you mean, she'll break up with me? There's nothing to break up! We're not in a relationship!

ZEUS
(shakes head sagely) For a god you sure are naïve.

Persephone returns with the spring water, which she has deliberately brought in a kylix with a particularly risqué scene on its tondo. She smiles sweetly and curtseys to Zeus, then plonks her delectable self in Hades' lap and throws one arm around his neck.

PERSEPHONE
You know, Dionysus is turning water into wine over there.

ZEUS
(eyes lighting up) Really? (runs off)

HADES
(dismayed) Hey, where are you going?

ANGLE ON: Zeus guzzling wine while frolicking with Demeter's nymphs. Fade into...


EXT. MOUNT OLYMPUS – NIGHT

...Hades pulling up in a chariot with an intoxicated Zeus in the back.

ANGLE ON: Hera standing on the front steps of the palace, tapping her foot irritably.

HERA
And what time do you call this?

HADES
(wearily) Don't blame me, I wanted to leave earlier.

HERA
(appraising Zeus with a baleful eye) Couldn't drag him away from those slutty nymphs, I suppose.

HADES
(hastily) I didn't witness any impropriety. I'm sure he was on his best behaviour.

HERA
(haughtily) Well, you'd better bring him in and put him to bed.

HADES
Yes ma'am.

[trugannini]

   Are we reading org. sm here?      

[Senneifinn]

INT. PALACE - DAY

Hera is seated at the breakfast table when a hungover Zeus staggers into the hall.

ZEUS
Morning, dear.

HERA
(coldly) Did you have a nice time at Demeter's party?

ZEUS
Oh yes, dear. You should've come. It was great fun.

HERA
(narrows eyes) Do tell.

ZEUS
Ah...uh...well, Demeter blessed the offerings that the mortals left in the sacred grove, then we all just sat around, drinking and feasting.

HERA
I see. And was there any hanky-panky?

ZEUS
(defensively) Oh yes, I was most disgusted at the way some of the guests were carrying on. Dionysus and his maenads got blind drunk as usual and made complete arses of themselves. And that Hades, tsk tsk! He went and banged our hostess's daughter, then he wanted to leave early. (shakes head) Talk about bad manners.

HERA
Meanwhile you were keeping well above all the debauchery, I suppose.

ZEUS
Absolutely, dear.

HERA
You didn't sneak off into the bushes with Demeter's nymphs?

ZEUS
What a dreadful accusation, dear! Absolutely not!

HERA
(coldly) If you say so.


EXT. MOUNT OLYMPUS – DAY

Hera and Demeter are enjoying a brunch of ambrosia with stuffed olives and feta cheese.

HERA
I hear you had a very successful harvest festival.

DEMETER
It went rather well, thank you.

HERA
Zeus said he had a wonderful time, drinking and feasting.

DEMETER
I'm surprised you should say that. I hardly saw him the whole time.

HERA
(narrows eyes) Oh?

DEMETER
He certainly wasn't at the feast. I know because I made sure to set aside a portion for him as King of the Gods and he never touched it. It wasn't till near the end of the party when Dionysus was handing round the good wine that I finally saw Zeus getting down with the rest of the guests.

HERA
(coldly) How interesting.

DEMETER
Had me worried at first! Zeus and Hades turned up together and when I didn't see them for much of the party I thought they'd left early because it was boring. But as I said, I saw them later, so I guess they liked it after all.

HERA
(spitefully) Hades certainly liked your daughter.

DEMETER
I beg your pardon?

HERA
(airily) Oh, didn't you know? Zeus told me they were going at it behind the bushes.

DEMETER
What!

HERA
Oh dear, perhaps I shouldn't say any more. (sweetly) Do have another olive.


INT. PALACE – DAY

Hera sends for her faithful servant, the giant Argus with a hundred eyes.

HERA
I got a job for you.

ARGUS
Your wish is my command.

HERA
Zeus fed me a pile of bullshit about Demeter's party and now he's gone down to the mortal realm. I think he's up to another one of his sleazy affairs so I want you to find out who he's banging, then I'm going to wreak terrible vengeance on her.

ARGUS
Yes ma'am.

HERA
If he thinks he's fathering any more half-mortal bastards, he's got another think coming. (shakes fist)

[Senneifinn]

EXT. VILLAGE – DAY

Zeus (in the guise of Aristaeus the hunky blond Spartan warrior) makes his way to the humble dwelling of the peasant Chloe. With only one thing on his mind, he doesn't notice Argus on his tail.

ANGLE ON: Chloe weeding her vegetable patch. Zeus marches manfully into her yard, frightening the hens who scatter with loud clucking.

ZEUS
(sexy drawl) Hi there.

CHLOE
Oh, it's you.

ZEUS
Wanna go for a romantic walk in the woods?

CHLOE
And who's going to do the chores while I'm gone? The chickens?

ZEUS
You mortals...I mean, peasants, are always hung up on chores. Why don't you live a little?

CHLOE
If I didn't work, I'd have nothing to live on. I don't have some rich sugar daddy to keep me.

ZEUS
(strikes a heroic pose) Would you like one?

CHLOE
(snort) I can take care of myself, thank you very much.

ZEUS
That's the first time in a hundred centuries...I mean, days, that I've heard a mortal...I mean, peasant, say such a thing.

CHLOE
Well if you get over here and help me weed, I'll teach you some more useful facts about peasants.

ANGLE ON: Argus in his hiding-place spying on Zeus and Chloe crouched together in the vegetable patch.


INT. PALACE – DAY

Argus reports back to his mistress.

HERA
(shrieking) He's what?

ARGUS
He's courting a peasant, ma'am.

HERA
A peasant?

ARGUS
Yes ma'am.

HERA
Are you sure?

ARGUS
Yes ma'am. She lives in a hovel and keeps chickens.

HERA
(furious) It was bad enough when he cheated on me with immortal nymphs, then it was mortal queens, but now this! A peasant!

ARGUS
If you'll pardon my saying so, ma'am, his standards are slipping dreadfully.

HERA
(shrieking) I'll fix her! I'll fix him! I'll fix them both!

She whirls around and stomps out of the hall. This shot segues neatly into...


INT. MANSION – DAY

...Demeter barging into her daughter's quarters, where Persephone is plaiting flowers into her hair.

PERSEPHONE
What's the matter, Mummy?

DEMETER
(shrieking) What's this I hear about you and Hades in the bushes at my harvest festival?

PERSEPHONE
(opens eyes innocently wide) I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Mummy.

DEMETER
Don't give me that! I wondered how you could've possibly mistaken Hades for Hermes in the first place, then I thought you seemed oddly eager to distract him at the party. Well now I see everything!

PERSEPHONE
(breezily) Oh Mummy, don't fuss.

DEMETER
Don't fuss? Don't fuss, she says! Argh! Can't you see this is highly inappropriate?

PERSEPHONE
I don't see how, Mummy. It's not like he's a mortal or something.

DEMETER
He's the King of the Underworld! You're a Nature goddess. Life and death don't mix!

PERSEPHONE
He was very lively as I recall. (giggles) Quite a handful!

DEMETER
I don't want to hear any more! (puts hands over ears) What on Olympus possessed you to do such a thing?

PERSEPHONE
I don't know why you're fussing. You're always saying how important it is to be fruitful and multiply.

DEMETER
There are much more suitable gods for you to be fruitful with. Take Apollo, for instance. Such a cultured fellow! He can sing and dance and prophesy. Or what about Ares? Now there's a virile specimen, I hear he has a very big sword.

PERSEPHONE
(pouting) But Mummy, Hades is ever so handsome and mysterious.

DEMETER
These dark and brooding types are nothing but trouble. (wags finger) You are not to have anything more to do with him.

PERSEPHONE
(indignant) But Mummy!

DEMETER
The relationship would never work out anyway. The Underworld's no place for a Nature goddess. It's all smoky and gloomy with wraiths and monsters everywhere.

PERSEPHONE
How do you know? You've never been!

DEMETER
Don't take that tone with me, young lady, you're not too old for me to spank!

PERSEPHONE
(stamps foot) I'm not a baby and you can't stop me from dating anybody I like.

DEMETER
We'll see about that! You're grounded! (leaves the room in a huff)

Persephone sits and stews for a while with her nose in the air.

PERSEPHONE
Who does Mummy think she is anyway, bossing me around like that? Well, I don't care about her silly rules! I'm going to the Underworld right this minute and I'll give Hades such a seeing-to that he'll be seeing stars.

Unfortunately when she tries to leave her room she finds that her mother has locked her in. She makes a great deal of noise but Demeter's servants are under strict orders to ignore her.

PERSEPHONE
Bloody Tartarus!

She throws herself down by her window in a furious sulk. This shot segues neatly into...


INT. PALACE – NIGHT

...Hera sitting by her window, gazing down on the mortal realm and plotting vengeance.

ANGLE ON: Zeus coming home after spending the day putting his moves on Chloe.

HERA
(false smile) Did you have a nice day?

ZEUS
Oh yes, dear. I was...er...busy granting mortals' petitions at my temple in Olympia.

ANGLE ON: Hera's narrowed eyes, to which Zeus is completely oblivious because he's preoccupied with his intriguing new love interest.

[Senneifinn]

EXT. VILLAGE – DAY

Zeus returns to visit Chloe.

CHLOE
Back again, Aristaeus? You'll never get to Athens at this rate.

ZEUS
I've decided I like the view here much better.

CHLOE
(pertly) Well if you're going to stick around, then make yourself useful.

ZEUS
Do you have any wild beasts that need slaying? Or fiendish giants that need vanquishing?

CHLOE
The veges need watering.

Eager to worm his way into her good books, Zeus sets about fetching and carrying water from the well, grunting and heaving in a manly fashion. Chloe tries to not look impressed by his prowess.

ANGLE ON: Argus dragging the Lernaean Hydra on a leash toward Chloe's hovel. He releases the monster, then hides in the woods to watch what happens so that he can report back to his mistress.

ANGLE ON: Chloe's hens clucking loudly and running away from the Lernaean Hydra.

CHLOE
What's all that racket?

She goes round to the front of her hovel, thinking that a fox is bothering her hens.

ANGLE ON: The Lernaean Hydra rearing up all its heads and hissing viciously.

CHLOE
Eeek!

Zeus comes running to find Chloe being chased around the yard by the Lernaean Hydra.

ZEUS
Never fear, I'll save you!

He draws his sword and heroically leaps in front of the Lernaean Hydra. Unfortunately, each time he chops off one of the monster's heads, two more grow back in its place.

ZEUS
Bloody Tartarus! This thing is impossible to kill!

Having more brains than brawn, Chloe rushes into her hovel to get a burning brand from her kitchen fire. She returns and uses the brand to cauterise the neck stump each time Zeus chops off a head, thereby preventing the regrowth.

ANGLE ON: Argus in his hiding place, watching in growing dismay as Zeus vanquishes the Lernaean Hydra with Chloe's assistance.

ZEUS
Take that! (mighty swing) And that! (mighty swing) And that!

Argus flees back to his mistress as the Lernaean Hydra drops dead at last. With perspiration trickling down his heroic chest, Zeus sheathes his sword and anticipates sexual favours from the mortal he has just saved.

ANGLE ON: Hades arriving in a chariot driven by Thanatos.

HADES
(surprised) Zeus! What are you doing here?

CHLOE
(baffled) Zeus? Where?

ZEUS
Uh...

CHLOE
Who on Olympus are you?

THANATOS
This is my lord Hades, King of the Underworld, and I am his servant Death.

CHLOE
What!

THANATOS
According to my schedule, a mortal's supposed to expire at this location very shortly, so I'm here to collect the soul.

ZEUS
You don't normally deal with trivial matters like this, Hades.

HADES
You're quite right. As it happens, we were just in the area because the local temple sacrificed a bull to me today and you know how much I like roast beef. Thanatos was driving me so I figured we'd kill two birds with one stone and pick up the mortal soul on our way back to the Underworld.

CHLOE
(astounded) Aristaeus, I can't believe you're on speaking terms with the ruler of the dead!

HADES
Who's Aristaeus? This is Zeus, King of the Gods.

CHLOE
What!

ZEUS
Uh...

Zeus and Chloe stare at each other, both momentarily lost for words.

HADES
I say, Thanatos, perhaps we'd best be on our way.

THANATOS
(prodding the Lernaean Hydra's corpse) Yes, it doesn't look like the mortal's going to die anytime soon.

Hades and Thanatos quickly depart the awkward social situation they have just created.

CHLOE
(hands on hips) Well!

ZEUS
(sheepishly) Sorry about the little subterfuge.

CHLOE
You know, real relationships are supposed to be based on honesty.

ZEUS
I don't know about that. I tried being honest about my affairs once but Hera threw an oil lamp at me and damned near shattered my head. (slaps forehead) Of course! Hera!

CHLOE
What?

ZEUS
I'm really sorry about this. Hera must've found out about you and sent this monster in revenge.

CHLOE
But I haven't done anything!

ZEUS
Yes well, wifey's not the most reasonable goddess in the pantheon.

CHLOE
(disgusted) Great. Just great. Not only do I have to toil as a peasant, I now have a wrathful goddess on my case and she knows where I live!

ZEUS
Don't worry, I'll protect you.

CHLOE
How?

ZEUS
We'll start by getting you away from here.

CHLOE
What about my farm?

ZEUS
I'll get you a new one later. Now let's go!

[zsuzsanna]

It's very good and entertaining. Waiting the next chapter laughed  a  lot.
We know from mythology what happens in the forthcoming chapters so I humbly ask you :
Will you give Hades a bigger part or he stays in a supporting  part?
By the way, we  begin to be accustomed to it...

[Senneifinn]

It's very good and entertaining. Waiting the next chapter laughed  a  lot.
We know from mythology what happens in the forthcoming chapters so I humbly ask you :
Will you give Hades a bigger part or he stays in a supporting  part?

Thank you for your feedback. In answer to your question, Zeus and Hades have equal parts because I wrote this in collaboration with my friend Dusty. Just have a little patience for how the storyline develops

Now on to the next instalment....


INT. MANSION – DAY

Using her powers as a Nature goddess, Persephone summons the birds of Greece to her window. She takes two feathers from each bird and fashions herself a pair of wings, which she uses to escape from her quarters. Triumphant at thwarting her mother's purposes, she soars high in the sky and laughs to herself. Unfortunately she flies too close to the sun and her wings catch fire.

PERSEPHONE
Eeek!

She plummets to earth with a shrill scream but fortunately she lands in the middle of a lake. Coughing and spluttering, she manages to swim to shore. As luck would have it, Hades and Thanatos are passing by in their chariot, having left Zeus and Chloe earlier.

PERSEPHONE
(waving happily) Yoo hoo! Hades! (blowing kisses)

The King of the Underworld takes one look at the dripping wet goddess with her soaked peplos leaving little to the imagination.

HADES
(terrified) Oh my Zeus, it's her! Quick, pretend we haven't noticed!

THANATOS
Huh?

HADES
(frantic) Don't slow down! Go go go!

THANATOS
Eh?

PERSEPHONE
(to herself) Hmm, he must've not seen me. (starts running after the chariot) Oh Hades, aren't you going to offer this stranded damsel a ride?

At his lord's urging, Thanatos drives the chariot at breakneck speed toward the gates of Erebus, with Persephone in hot pursuit.

HADES
(panics) Bloody Tartarus, she won't quit!

He strikes the ground with his staff and a great cleft opens up in the earth. The chariot plunges through into the Underworld and the earth closes up again.


EXT. UNDERWORLD – NIGHT

HADES
Phew, that was close.

It seems he has spoken too soon, for two slender arms suddenly twine around his neck in the shadows.

PERSEPHONE
(squealing happily) What an exciting ride!

Hades is horrified to discover that his ardent admirer has managed to jump into the back of his chariot.

HADES
Argh!

PERSEPHONE
(gives him a loud wet smooch) Have you missed me like I missed you?

He is too distracted by her half-naked and wet proximity to make a coherent reply.

PERSEPHONE
(sweetly) Hello again, Thanatos.

THANATOS
Hey there. Looks like you got caught in the rain or something.

PERSEPHONE
Oh no, I fell into the lake. (coyly pressing herself against Hades) Have you a dry towel I could borrow?

HADES
Er...

PERSEPHONE
Why don't we go back to your place? I just need somewhere to make myself presentable again.

Hades is too shell-shocked to protest as Thanatos drives the chariot back to his palace.

ANGLE ON: Hades' palace of black marble wreathed in mist and gloom. In the front courtyard is a doghouse with the name CERBERUS engraved on a bronze plaque.

PERSEPHONE
Ooo, what a big palace you live in! (jumps out of the chariot and drags Hades after her) You must give me the grand tour and I also want to meet your dog. I hear he's very special, he has three heads.

HADES
Er...

THANATOS
Cerberus is on guard duty at the moment but I'll bring him back at dinnertime.

PERSEPHONE
Lovely. (clinging to Hades' arm) Now I really must get out of these wet clothes before I catch pneumonia.

Much to Hades' dismay, he is left alone with Persephone when Thanatos departs to resume his deathly duties. Trying to behave like a gentleman, Hades escorts his uninvited guest into his palace.


INT. PALACE – NIGHT

Persephone oohs and aahs while Hades leads her through his silent halls. The walls are painted with scenes of death in all its guises. Marble statues of long-dead heroes adorn the corridors. The only light comes from candles set into hollow skulls that peer blindly down from tall columns.

PERSEPHONE
Your sense of interior design is very severe.

HADES
Er...it's all just stuff I accumulated over the aeons.

PERSEPHONE
Ooo, what's this?

HADES
My Helm of Darkness.

PERSEPHONE
(flutters eyelashes) That sounds awfully mysterious. What's it for?

HADES
I had it custom-made when I fought in the ancient war against the Titans.

PERSEPHONE
(gushing) Oh how impressive! Does it have any magic powers?

HADES
It renders me invisible. (sigh) I should wear it more often.

PERSEPHONE
(clinging like a limpet) Oh no, I don't see enough of you as it is. (pressing close) It sure is chilly in here. Do you always keep the place unheated?

HADES
As you can imagine, the flames of Tartarus are a huge energy consumer. I try to save on fuel and reduce the Underworld's carbon footprint where I can.

PERSEPHONE
(adoringly) I'm so glad to hear you say that. As a Nature goddess, I'd find it ever so hard to have a relationship with someone who isn't environmentally-conscious.

HADES
Um, I've been meaning to...er...talk to you about this...er...relationship.

PERSEPHONE
(sweetly) We get on terribly well, don't you think?

HADES
Er...

PERSEPHONE
Oh I'm starting to freeze in these wet clothes! You must find me something dry to put on.

To underline the urgency of her predicament, she starts peeling off her saturated garments on the spot, leaving Hades torn between his eager loins and his not-so-eager brain.

HADES
(flustered) Look, you can't just strip off here! One of my servants might come along.

PERSEPHONE
(opens eyes innocently wide) Oh, then for the sake of decency you'd better take me to your room.


EXT. GARDEN OF THE HESPERIDES – DAY

We see Zeus leading Chloe into some woods.

ZEUS
You can hide here while I go and sort things out with the missus.

CHLOE
Where am I?

ZEUS
The Garden of the Hesperides.

CHLOE
(shrieking) What! Hera's own orchard!

ZEUS
Keep your voice down! Do you want to get caught?

CHLOE
(hissing furiously) You said you were going to protect me! What are we doing in your wife's backyard?

ZEUS
Obviously your mortal mind cannot comprehend my godly wisdom. Haven't you ever heard the saying "closest to danger is furthest from harm"?

CHLOE
That sounds really dumb!

ZEUS
Hera will never think to find you here. Just keep out of sight until I come back to fetch you.

CHLOE
How long do I have to stay here?

ZEUS
Not long, I'm sure. If you get hungry, just pinch some apples off the tree, but make sure the dragon doesn't see you.

CHLOE
What dragon?

ZEUS
The one that guards the apples of the Hesperides, of course.

While Chloe is left speechless, Zeus farewells her with a saucy wink and goes off to try and placate his wrathful spouse.

[trugannini]

Great stuff Finn...... loved opening earth and disappearing chariot......

[Senneifinn]

EXT. MOUNT OLYMPUS – DAY

Zeus arrives home with a huge bunch of flowers for a peace offering.

ZEUS
(big smile) Have you seen my darling wife around? I have a lovely gift for her.

GANYMEDE
She went out ages ago and hasn't been back since.

ZEUS
Did she say where she was off to?

GANYMEDE
No, and she looked pissed off so I was afraid to ask.


EXT. DIVINE REALM OF EGYPT – DAY


We see Hera dressed in a dazzling white chiton, crowned with peacock feathers and weighed down with an immense amount of jewellery. She reclines seductively on a couch as the honoured guest of Ra, lord of the Egyptian gods, who is showing off his bronzed body and spectacular abs in a golden kilt.

HERA
I shan't beat about the bush, I have for you a proposal that will make us both very rich and powerful indeed.

RA
I'm all ears.

HERA
As you know, Greece is a wealthy land with many faithful mortals making regular sacrifices to the gods. How'd you like a big chunk of that market?

RA
I don't follow.

HERA
Speaking hypothetically, if you were to become lord of our pantheon, you'd get a hefty share of sacrifices and adoration from our mortals, not to mention all the prestige that comes with being King of the Gods.

RA
I wasn't aware that the position had fallen vacant.

HERA
(evil smile) That can always be contrived.

RA
(realisation dawns) You're not suggesting that Zeus will be removed?

HERA
I'm doing this all for the sake of the faithful mortals, of course. They deserve to worship a more worthy god! Zeus has no time to govern adequately when he's always feasting and drinking and fornicating.

RA
(nods) Hmm, yes, I do agree. Very irresponsible behaviour, that.

HERA
As Queen of the Gods, I will of course give the new King all the support he requires, as well as perform all necessary wifely duties. (hitches up her bosom and crosses her legs suggestively)

RA
A most intriguing and tempting proposal, Lady of Olympus. Shall we discuss further details over dinner?

HERA
The pleasure's all mine, Sun of Exalted Power.

ANGLE ON: Hera sliding her hand down Ra's gleaming abs and leaning closer as if she's about to snog him. This shot segues neatly into...


INT. PALACE – NIGHT

...Persephone trying to suck Hades' tongue out of his head as they lie entangled in the luxurious sable fabrics of his monumental bed.

PERSEPHONE
(pouting) How am I supposed to kiss you properly if you won't stop struggling?

HADES
(gasp) I can't breathe!

PERSEPHONE
(flutters eyelashes) Poor dear, let me give you a chest massage.

HADES
(grabs her eager hands) Please don't; my ribs are still sore from your bouncing ten minutes ago.

PERSEPHONE
(snuggles contentedly on top of him) If we were married we could do this all the time.

HADES
(weakly) Married?

PERSEPHONE
(gushing) Wouldn't that be nice? I'd press your clothes and lay them out for you before you go to work every morning and I'd even pack you a nice healthy lunch with fresh natural ingredients everyday. I had a look in your kitchen earlier and I'm quite appalled at the amount of processed food in your pithoi. Now I know it's very convenient to throw a couple of sausages on the brimstone but you'll ruin your sexy figure with all that grease, and are you sure you want a crop of zits all over your handsome face?

HADES
(lamely trying to butt in) I don't throw sausages...

PERSEPHONE
(gushing) This whole palace looks like it hasn't been dusted for aeons but I'm not blaming you of course, I know you're a very busy god and it's hard to find good servants these days. (sweetly) When we're married, I'll send you off to work every day with a kiss just like this...(demonstrating with a loud wet smooch)...and while you're away I'll be a good little housewife and get the whole place neat and tidy for when you come home.

HADES
Er...

PERSEPHONE
(gushing) We could do with some more light in this place. It's wonderfully huge but the darkness makes it look so small and dingy. All this doom and gloom on the walls is rather depressing too. We need to break the monotony with some fresh new decorating ideas. How about some colourful tapestries in the main hall, bright mosaics on the bathroom floors and some chryselephantine statues of you in heroic poses?

HADES
Now look...

PERSEPHONE
(dreamily) Just think, a lifesized marble statue of you wearing the Helm of Darkness...and nothing else.

HADES
(embarrassed) I don't think...

PERSEPHONE
(gushing) I'll sit by the statue and think of you while I spin and weave and other housewifely things, then when you come home I'll have a nice healthy dinner with fresh natural ingredients waiting hot on the table. "How was your day, dear?" I'll ask, and give you a kiss just like this...(demonstrating with a loud wet smooch)...then I'll sit you down and bring you a nice rhyton of wine to relax while I rub your shoulders and any other parts that are stiff.

Hades is just opening his mouth to protest when he realises that married life is actually starting to sound rather positive.

HADES
(tentatively) Um, do you do laundry as well?

PERSEPHONE
(adoringly) Of course! I'll even go through your wardrobe and reorganise it for you. I took a peek in there earlier and I'm shocked at some of the fashion bloopers you got. Just because you get about solely in all-black ensembles doesn't mean you can willy-nilly throw outfits together, you know. There's the very important matter of co-ordinating shapes and textures as well as making sure the shades of black all match correctly. I'm really surprised that the King of the Underworld hasn't bothered to appoint a royal stylist.

HADES
(defensively) Well, it's not like I'm in the business of making public appearances. For Gaia's sake, mortals won't even say my name out loud for fear I might turn up.

PERSEPHONE
(cooing) You mustn't feel slighted. It's not you, it's your deathly public image, but I'm sure that'll change once we start appearing in Society together.

HADES
I beg your pardon?

PERSEPHONE
Mortals adore me because I bring them blooming flowers, ripening crops and flourishing livestock. (flutters eyelashes) I'm just what you need for a PR overhaul, on top of all the other marital benefits you'll enjoy.

HADES
Um, I'll need to think about this.

PERSEPHONE
(sweetly) Of course.

ANGLE ON: Her hand sliding down his chest and disappearing under the covers. This shot segues neatly into...


EXT. GARDEN OF THE HESPERIDES – DAY

...Chloe's hand reaching for an apple.

ANGLE ON: The guardian dragon arriving with a loud roar.

CHLOE
Eeek!